The Great Irish Coffee Dilemma

Insomnia. There are more Insomnia cafes in Dublin than there are Starbucks in Chicago. For example, I am sitting in one right now and I can literally see one across the street out the window. Just in case, you know... this street is too treacherous to cross. 

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“I’ll just have a coffee, please.”

“How would you like your coffee?”

“Excuse me?” I said, still not quite used to the stronger accents.

“How would you like your coffee?”

“Oh, just black, please.”

*le making coffee*

“One black Americano.”

I take the beverage I was just handed, smile, and look down into it. It has a white top.  Sigh, they got my order wrong.

So the next day, I try again.

“Just a coffee, please. Black.”

This time, I watch.

Disclaimer: What happens next is a bit shocking. Not suitable for the faint at heart.

She makes my coffee from a steamer. My coffee is coming out of a steamer. Stop it. Stop that. I said coffee. WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY BLACK COFFEE.

“One black coffee.” She said as she slides a white topped beverage I just saw birthed from an espresso machine.

THIS IS BLACK COFFEE?!

I took it. I smiled. I think. It was probably the most uncomfortable smile ever.  Coffee comes out of a steamer. They call it an Americano. Sometimes. And it has a white top. My coffee. My beloved black coffee. I had to get to the bottom of this.

The Irish proved no help.  I had to find answers elsewhere.


I calmly asked my friend back home, also a coffee lover and who has family in the UK. And by calmly, I mean I freaked out, of course. He just laughed. He laughed. The nerve. I was appalled. Surely out of all people he would understand. After he got done laughing he simply said, “Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you. They make coffee from a fancier form of a French press.”

-_-

Fine. Whatever, I get it. But it still doesn’t make sense. I order a black coffee and they serve me an Americano. Which, I may add, isn’t an Americano from the states. There has be a way to get coffee coffee. Black coffee coffee.

So, I went to Starbucks. Their coffee is a bit strong black for me, so I usually get a syrup shot in it.

“A tall caramel coffee, please.”

“Frappachino?”

“No, just coffee.”

He looked at me.

I tried again, “Like a shot of caramel in a cup of coffee.”

He looked at me.

The barista at the register saw that I was having troubles and said, “Caramel just in a cup of filter coffee, you’re saying?”

A lightbulb went on in my head. “Yes!!”

Filter coffee. FILTER COFFEE.

I got to the register, then, and the helpful barista (notably picking up on my accent and flustered state) said, “Sorry, I don’t speak English.” I told him to shut up. We’re friends now.  (He asked me if I was around a certain area in citycenter the night before. A bit caught off guard I replied, “Well, yeah, actually… I was.” He said, "I thought that face looked familiar.” Creepy or adorable? You decide.)

So, there I was enjoying my first real cup of coffee. Filter coffee. Not all cafes have it, and certainly not on the menu, and it’s hardly ever freshly brewed, so I usually just order “an Americano” now. I am much more okay with it now that I know what it is.

In conclusion, filter coffee is coffee coffee. An Americano is what they call coffee and it's espresso beans, and Irish Coffee is something entirely different with whiskey.

But Ireland, your coffee. Comes out of. A steamer.